Christmas Wrapped

Okay, so I’m not a clinical agoraphobe; I just play one on TV. But the “older” I get (I’ll be forty this year), the less tolerant I am of crowds, lines, and trying to weave a shopping cart around a store packed with people. Living in the country for over a decade has probably only exacerbated my inability to psychologically handle retail crowds, so each Christmas I have to really plan carefully to avoid having a total meltdown. Because a total meltdown, for me, results not in my making a scene or crying in the middle of a retail establishment (though wouldn’t that be funny!), but leaving my cart at the end of Aisle Nine and abandoning ship, totally empty-handed. Don’t laugh—it’s happened before. More than once.

I live an hour and a half from Christmas shopping, so I’m not able to “run out and do a little” when the time is right. As such, I set aside two days—one in October, one in November—when I rise very, very early and drive to the big city, arriving at the stores as early as I can. In some cases, if it’s a large store that’s open 24 hours, I’m not afraid to start shopping before 6:00 a.m. If they open at 7:00, I’m right there by the door. If it’s a high-end store that doesn’t open ‘til 10:00, my nose is pressed against the window at 9:58, just in case the manager’s clock is two minutes fast. I want in that door the second the store opens for business!

Early morning shopping is blissful: You can pick up coffee on the way, and sip it as you shop. The employees of the store have puffy eyes, but a nice early-morning spring to their step. Any shoppers—if any—that are in the store are in exercise gear and have their hair in ponytails or under baseball caps, and everyone has that just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-splashed-water-on-my-face dewiness about them. Plus, there’s a curious camaraderie among shoppers who will arrive at a store just after sunlight; I swear, fellow shoppers and I have exchanged knowing winks before.

But most of all, the shopping itself is a complete pleasure. There’s no negotiating the aisles, trying to avoid running over anyone’s heels. You can browse every aisle in the store, unhurried, if you want, carefully considering everyone on your Christmas list and putting all the thought you need into each and every purchase.

And finally, when you see the growing stream of shoppers trickling into the store just as you’re wheeling your sacks full of presents to the car, you can sigh happily. The day hasn’t even really begun, and you’ve just taken a huge bite out of your Christmas list. And you can even go pick up another cappuccino on your way home.

Talk about beating the system.